
by Baron Fulmen
Calliope Smith's eighteenth birthday wasn't going great, but at least getting yanked into a world of magic and monsters is a good way to ditch the police. Sure, people (and allergies, and magical accidents, and who knows what else) might be trying to kill her, but if the choice is between learning magic and going back to Earth she'll deal with almost dying all the time. Is she a chosen one? It would be an odd choice, considering she has to frequently remind herself to be a good person. Is this just an accident? The letter from a mysterious benefactor promising magic and cash would imply otherwise. This is a high fantasy adventure about an end of the world that happened, or didn't happen, or might happen. It's fine. Everything is fine. They already fixed it, it's not going to be a problem. Probably. It's also a story about trying to do the right thing while not really wanting to, and making friends when you're bad at it, and having fun despite being hunted by the goodguys and the badguys alike. It's a story about how everything is built on something else, and sometimes those things are broken. Updating 2-3 times a week, usually Monday / Wednesday / Friday. Chapters are beefy at an average of 3,800 words. Things that might make you want to read (or not read) this story: - The main character is a flawed hero, not an anti-hero; she's just someone who puts actual effort into being a good person because it doesn't come naturally to her. - The main character is also a teenager in a new world. She's naturally impulsive, and at many points in over her head. If you're someone that cannot stand when a character occasionally makes a non-optimal or even kinda dumb choice in the heat of the moment, this isn't the story for you. - On a related note, the main characters are significantly underpowered for the first ~50 chapters at least, though this is partly a story about getting cool magic and becoming more powerful - I'm just not in a rush about it. - Whether or not this story contains any apocalypses would be a spoiler, but in terms of genre it is NOT a post-apocalyptic story. - The story is realistic in the sense that it is not cartoonish, people act basically like actual people, the magic has some established rules and limits, etc. But also it's high fantasy and shit gets pretty wild by the end. Content warnings: Nothing too bad, honestly. Some discussion of mental illness and bad/abusive parenting (primarily neglect and emotional abuse). Injuries may be described in detail, but in a matter-of-fact way rather than with the goal of being gory or shocking. Discussion of foster care / group homes (mainly just mention of them being a thing, and of various staff or government employees associated with them being unhelpful). People are captured and helpless in a scary situation multiple times.
| # | Title | Words |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | PRELUDE: Gotta Watch Out For Those Syntax Errors | 0 |
| 2 | CHAPTER 001: About as Bad as a Day Can Get | 0 |
| 3 | CHAPTER 002: Process of Elimination | 0 |
| 4 | CHAPTER 003: Friendship May Be Magic, But in a More Literal Sense These Lights Actually Are Magic | 0 |
| 5 | CHAPTER 004: Stabbing, Mauling, and Some Sonic the Hedgehog Porn | 0 |
| 6 | CHAPTER 005: Creature Comforts | 0 |
| 7 | CHAPTER 006: Chapter... Ten? | 0 |
| 8 | CHAPTER 007: You Only Live Twice | 0 |
| 9 | CHAPTER 008: Dinner, Shopping, Headaches, and Rock Music | 0 |
| 10 | CHAPTER 009: I'm Starting a Trope Collection | 0 |
| 11 | CHAPTER 010: Best Foot Forward | 0 |
| 12 | CHAPTER 011: Just So Many Bad Ideas | 0 |
| 13 | CHAPTER 012: Windmills of Your Mind | 0 |
| 14 | CHAPTER 013: One Question Answered, Twelve More Raised | 0 |
| 15 | CHAPTER 014: Reality's First Draft | 0 |
| 16 | CHAPTER 015: Stress Fractures | 0 |
| 17 | CHAPTER 016: Stranger Danger | 0 |
| 18 | CHAPTER 017: Illegal Loopholes | 0 |
| 19 | BONUS: A Primer On Known Gifts | 0 |
| 20 | CHAPTER 018: A Calm Before the Storm | 0 |
| 21 | CHAPTER 019: A Nice Relaxing Morning | 0 |
| 22 | CHAPTER 020: Smash and Grab | 0 |
| 23 | CHAPTER 021: A Rock Solid Plan | 0 |
| 24 | CHAPTER 022: You Son of a Bitch, I'm In | 0 |
| 25 | CHAPTER 023: The Best Laid Plans | 0 |
| 26 | CHAPTER 024: A Minor Detour | 0 |
| 27 | CHAPTER 025: Self Reflection | 0 |
| 28 | CHAPTER 026: On Being Normal | 0 |
| 29 | CHAPTER 027: Trojan Potholes | 0 |
| 30 | CHAPTER 028: Hilbert's Graveyard | 0 |
| 31 | CHAPTER 029: More Things Calliope Doesn't Understand | 0 |
| 32 | CHAPTER 030: The Easiest of All Things After It, and the Hardest of All Things Before It | 0 |
| 33 | CHAPTER 031: Let Us Tarry For a While, and We Shall Be In Her Company | 0 |
| 34 | CHAPTER 032: Surely Now Our Troubles Are Well Behind Us | 0 |
| 35 | CHAPTER 033: It's All Uphill From Here | 0 |
| 36 | CHAPTER 034: Lights in the Darkness | 0 |
| 37 | CHAPTER 035: Safe Havens | 0 |
| 38 | CHAPTER 036: It Was Probably Something She Ate | 0 |
| 39 | CHAPTER 037: The Cross-Dimensional Piggyback Choke | 0 |
| 40 | CHAPTER 038: Sucker Punch | 0 |
| 41 | CHAPTER 039: A Bad Break | 0 |
| 42 | CHAPTER 040: The Great Indoors | 0 |
| 43 | CHAPTER 041: Two Teenage Protagonists Walk Into a Bar... | 0 |
| 44 | CHAPTER 042: Horseshoes and Hand Grenades | 0 |
| 45 | CHAPTER 043: Calliope Smith and the Forgotten Vault | 0 |
| 46 | CHAPTER 044: More Magic | 0 |
| 47 | CHAPTER 045: It's All Over But the Paperwork | 0 |
| 48 | CHAPTER 046: Loose Ends | 0 |
| 49 | INTERLUDE: Obscurus Opus | 0 |
| 50 | INTERLUDE: A Correspondence | 0 |
| 51 | CHAPTER 047: Application Layer DDoS | 0 |
| 52 | CHAPTER 048: Method of Loci | 0 |
| 53 | CHAPTER 049: We're All Mad Here | 0 |
| 54 | CHAPTER 050: Questionable Financial Decisions | 0 |
| 55 | CHAPTER 051: Even the Buddy System Can't Protect You Now | 0 |
| 56 | CHAPTER 052: A Friend Will Help You Move... | 0 |
| 57 | CHAPTER 053: Destiny's Extended Family | 0 |
| 58 | CHAPTER 054: The Other Shoe | 0 |
| 59 | CHAPTER 055: Memory Self Storage | 0 |
| 60 | CHAPTER 056: Group Projects | 0 |
| 61 | CHAPTER 057: Too Many Cooks | 0 |
| 62 | CHAPTER 058: The Salmon of Doubt | 0 |
| 63 | CHAPTER 059: Locating Allies | 0 |
| 64 | CHAPTER 060: Chekhov Was The Doctor, You're Thinking of Chekhov's Monster | 0 |
| 65 | CHAPTER 061: Cross-Referencing | 0 |
| 66 | CHAPTER 062: So Maybe It Wasn't Something She Ate | 0 |
| 67 | CHAPTER 063: Can't See The Jigsaw For The Pieces | 0 |
| 68 | CHAPTER 064: Contingency Plans | 0 |
| 69 | CHAPTER 065: Oh No, it's Just That They're Terribly Comfortable | 0 |
| 70 | CHAPTER 066: A Lively Debate | 0 |
| 71 | CHAPTER 067: An Appointment in Samarra | 0 |
| 72 | CHAPTER 068: No Plan Survives Contact With the Enemy | 0 |
| 73 | CHAPTER 069: Terms of Surrender | 0 |
| 74 | CHAPTER 070: Look, I Promise I Mentioned It In Chapter Four | 0 |
| 75 | CHAPTER 071: On The Other Hand, At Least You Have the Element of Surprise | 0 |
| 76 | CHAPTER 072: We Can Rebuild Him; We Have the Technology | 0 |
| 77 | CHAPTER 073: Terms and Conditions May Apply | 0 |
| 78 | CHAPTER 074: Expert Consultations | 0 |
| 79 | CHAPTER 075: Load Capacity Failure | 0 |
| 80 | CHAPTER 076: Finally, Some Proper Research | 0 |
| 81 | CHAPTER 077: Debriefing | 0 |
| 82 | CHAPTER 078: Triangulation | 0 |
| 83 | CHAPTER 079: Ties That Bind | 0 |
| 84 | CHAPTER 080: [REDACTED] Runelighter and the Leftover Apocalypse | 0 |
| 85 | CHAPTER 081: Before I Kill You, Mister Bond... | 0 |
| 86 | CHAPTER 082: Give and Take | 0 |
| 87 | CHAPTER 083: One More Deal | 0 |
| 88 | CHAPTER 084: Gonna Fly Now | 0 |
| 89 | CHAPTER 085: The All-Seeing Eye | 0 |
| 90 | BONUS: Calliope's Notes on Her Development | 0 |
| 91 | CHAPTER 086: Home Court Advantage | 0 |
| 92 | CHAPTER 087: Threadcraft | 0 |
| 93 | CHAPTER 088: Making Friends | 0 |
| 94 | CHAPTER 089: Where The Heart Is | 0 |
| 95 | CHAPTER 090: The Plural of 'Calliope' | 0 |
| 96 | CHAPTER 091: Calliope Runelighter and the Big 'Ol Anticlimax | 0 |
| 97 | CHAPTER 092: Concatenating | 0 |
| 98 | CHAPTER 093: Emergency Exit | 0 |
| 99 | CHAPTER 094: Momentum | 0 |
| 100 | CHAPTER 095: The Only Way Out | 0 |
| 101 | CHAPTER 096: Calliope Smith and the Armageddon Loom | 0 |
| 102 | INTERLUDE: Intellectual Property | 0 |
| 103 | INTERLUDE: Protagonist In Training | 0 |
| 104 | CHAPTER 097: Gloves Off | 0 |
| 105 | CHAPTER 098: Malicious Deaccessioning | 0 |
| 106 | CHAPTER 099: Derailed Train of Thought | 0 |
| 107 | CHAPTER 100: Altered Programming | 0 |
| 108 | CHAPTER 101: Interference Theory | 0 |
| 109 | CHAPTER 102: Katrin's Atmospheric Hammer | 0 |
| 110 | CHAPTER 103: Terminal Velocity | 0 |
| 111 | CHAPTER 104: Method Actor | 0 |
| 112 | CHAPTER 105: Do it Yourself | 0 |
| 113 | CHAPTER 106: Something of a Standoff | 0 |
| 114 | CHAPTER 107: Sir Errod Runelighter | 0 |
| 115 | CHAPTER 108: I Am Altering the Deal | 0 |
| 116 | CHAPTER 109: Tindelus | 0 |
| 117 | CHAPTER 110: Regrouping | 0 |
| 118 | CHAPTER 111: Smorgasbord | 0 |
| 119 | CHAPTER 112: Multitudinous Forms, Vertiginous Questions, and Extermination of Manifested Trauma | 0 |
| 120 | CHAPTER 113: Thurl Ravenscroft Was Right | 0 |
| 121 | CHAPTER 114: This is Going to Hurt Your Score on RateMyProfessors | 0 |
| 122 | CHAPTER 115: Reaching Strangeward | 0 |
| 123 | CHAPTER 116: The Rest of Your Mice | 0 |
| 124 | CHAPTER 117: Secret Passages and Body Snatchers | 0 |
| 125 | CHAPTER 118: Cliffhanger | 0 |
| 126 | CHAPTER 119: Shaggy Dog | 0 |
| 127 | CHAPTER 120: Reposession & Relaxation | 0 |
| 128 | CHAPTER 121: Checking in on Some Side Characters | 0 |
| 129 | CHAPTER 122: Same Old Same Old | 0 |
| 130 | CHAPTER 123: Mama Carnage's Ethical Mercenaries | 0 |
| 131 | CHAPTER 124: Clara Peller, Eat Your Heart Out | 0 |
| 132 | CHAPTER 125: Random Encounter Table | 0 |
| 133 | CHAPTER 126: Ode to the Tri-State Crematory | 0 |
| 134 | CHAPTER 127: The Shorter List is Who Doesn't Want You Dead | 0 |
| 135 | CHAPTER 128: Secret B Plots | 0 |
| 136 | CHAPTER 129: Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In | 0 |
| 137 | CHAPTER 130: I Guess We're Doing This | 0 |
| 138 | CHAPTER 131: Out-Maneuvered | 0 |
| 139 | CHAPTER 132: Miscellaneous Details | 0 |
| 140 | CHAPTER 133: The Worst Laid Plans | 0 |
| 141 | CHAPTER 134: Ill Met By Moonlight | 0 |
| 142 | CHAPTER 135: Hot Exit | 0 |
| 143 | CHAPTER 136: Off to a Good Start | 0 |
| 144 | CHAPTER 137: Hors d’œuvres, Entrée, Ligature, Dessert | 0 |
| 145 | CHAPTER 138: Fundamentals of Chemistry, +1 vs Mean Girls | 0 |
| 146 | CHAPTER 139: Turns Out She's Been Dead This Whole Time | 0 |
| 147 | CHAPTER 140: Thief of Fate | 0 |
| 148 | CHAPTER 141: I Thought It Was Your Turn To Watch Them | 0 |
| 149 | CHAPTER 142: Creative Problem-Solving | 0 |
| 150 | CHAPTER 143: Ducenta-Quadrāgintā-Quattuor-Pede, in Base Six | 0 |
| 151 | CHAPTER 144: Filling in the Gaps | 0 |
| 152 | CHAPTER 145: Equal and Opposite Reaction | 0 |
| 153 | CHAPTER 146: Everyone Check Your Bingo Cards, Who Had This One | 0 |
| 154 | CHAPTER 147: Fire in the Hole | 0 |
| 155 | CHAPTER 148: The Temple of Convergence | 0 |
| 156 | CHAPTER 149: They Say It Flashes Before Your Eyes | 0 |
| 157 | CHAPTER 150: Calliope Smith and the Planar Lodestones | 0 |
| 158 | INTERLUDE: Rumors of My Death Were Accurate, But I Got Better | 0 |
| 159 | INTERLUDE: Here There Be Dragons | 0 |
| 160 | CHAPTER 151: The Story So Far | 0 |
| 161 | CHAPTER 152: Everything is Under Control | 0 |
| 162 | CHAPTER 153: In the Words of Another Smith, Welcome to Earth | 0 |
| 163 | CHAPTER 154: Buzzfeed Wants to Know if it Can Ask You A Really Weird Question | 0 |
| 164 | CHAPTER 155: Something's Wrongo Here | 0 |
| 165 | CHAPTER 156: Solving the Least Important Mystery So Far | 0 |
| 166 | CHAPTER 157: If You Can Make it Here, as The Prophesy Foretold, You Can Make it Anywhere | 0 |
| 167 | CHAPTER 158: Human Connections | 0 |
| 168 | CHAPTER 159: Information Gathering | 0 |
| 169 | CHAPTER 160: It's Nice To See Old Friends Again, Or Parts of Them Anyway | 0 |
| 170 | CHAPTER 161: Punitive damages | 0 |
| 171 | CHAPTER 162: Rockin' Roadway | 0 |
| 172 | CHAPTER 163: Fishing For Answers | 0 |
| 173 | CHAPTER 164: I Was Hoping For Free Breakfast or Something | 0 |
| 174 | CHAPTER 165: I'm So Glad We Didn't Make A Big Scene at the Motel | 0 |
| 175 | CHAPTER 166: I Knew I Shoulda Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque | 0 |
| 176 | CHAPTER 167: The Prequel's CliffsNotes | 0 |
| 177 | CHAPTER 168: Discharge Against Medical Advice | 0 |
| 178 | BONUS: A Mostly Complete Timeline of Events Revealed So Far | 0 |
| 179 | CHAPTER 169: You'll Understand When You're Older | 0 |
| 180 | CHAPTER 170: I Cast 'Redford's Analog Entry' | 0 |
| 181 | CHAPTER 171: The Only Thing That Grows at the Top of Mount Neverest | 0 |
| 182 | CHAPTER 172: Let's Meet Our Contenders for Big Bad Antagonist! | 0 |
| 183 | CHAPTER 173: Hostile Takeover | 0 |
| 184 | CHAPTER 174: Holiday Travel | 0 |
| 185 | CHAPTER 175: Mid-Season Administrative Break | 0 |
| 186 | CHAPTER 176: Nothing to Fear | 0 |
| 187 | CHAPTER 177: It's Called a Phoropter, Just FYI | 0 |
| 188 | CHAPTER 178: The Jangling of Fate's Keychain | 0 |
| 189 | CHAPTER 179: Drama | 0 |
| 190 | CHAPTER 180: Bloodshed | 0 |
| 191 | CHAPTER 181: Chaos | 0 |
| 192 | CHAPTER 182: The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Pinky | 0 |
| 193 | CHAPTER 183: Loot Crate | 0 |
| 194 | CHAPTER 184: Ender's Game But With Crocodiles | 0 |
| 195 | CHAPTER 185: Happy New Year | 0 |
| 196 | CHAPTER 186: Mors Ab Alto | 0 |
| 197 | CHAPTER 187: Other People's Stories | 0 |
| 198 | CHAPTER 188: That Was Then, This Is Now | 0 |
| 199 | CHAPTER 189: The Boss-O-Matic, By Ronco! | 0 |
| 200 | CHATER 190: Inheritor of the Eyes of Batasun | 0 |
| 201 | CHAPTER 191: Ship of Spartacus | 0 |
| 202 | CHAPTER 192: Leading by the Seat of Your Pants | 0 |
| 203 | CHAPTER 193: The Redundancy Department of Redundancy | 0 |
| 204 | CHAPTER 194: Plan C. No, D. Wait, E. F. | 0 |
| 205 | CHAPTER 195: Battle Royale | 0 |
| 206 | CHAPTER 196: Move Fast and Break Things | 0 |
| 207 | CHAPTER 197: Calliope Smith and the Savior of Brinkmar | 0 |
| 208 | CHAPTER 198: A Promise of Violence | 0 |
| 209 | CHAPTER 199: Jake Ross and the Hero Factory | 0 |
| 210 | INTERLUDE: War Room With a View | 0 |
| 211 | INTERLUDE: So I Guess Those Are Real | 0 |
| 212 | CHAPTER 200: Badges? Badges? We Don't Need No Stinking Badges! | 0 |
| 213 | CHAPTER 201: Ancient History | 0 |
| 214 | CHAPTER 202: The Curse Grinder | 0 |
| 215 | CHAPTER 203: Processing | 0 |
| 216 | CHAPTER 204: A Few Pieces Short of a Jigsaw | 0 |
| 217 | CHAPTER 205: More Like Chapter 190.5 I Guess | 0 |
| 218 | CHAPTER 206: Like a Lizard Shedding Its Tail | 0 |
| 219 | CHAPTER 207: Spoiler Warning For Chrono Trigger | 0 |
| 220 | CHAPTER 208: Memento | 0 |
| 221 | CHAPTER 209: She's Sure as Hell There Today | 0 |
| 222 | CHAPTER 210: That's Going to Look Pretty Strange on a Business Card | 0 |
| 223 | CHAPTER 211: This is Fine | 0 |
| 224 | CHAPTER 212: Reunions | 0 |
| 225 | CHAPTER 213: Chekhov's Full Auto | 0 |
| 226 | CHAPTER 214: At Least It's Not Primer | 0 |
| 227 | CHAPTER 215: Brightroost | 0 |
| 228 | CHAPTER 216: Career Day | 0 |
| 229 | CHAPTER 217: Technically Still a Rescue Mission | 0 |
| 230 | CHAPTER 218: The Enemy of My Enemy | 0 |
| 231 | CHAPTER 219: The Friend of My Friend | 0 |
| 232 | CHAPTER 220: Solving Some Tiny Little Insurmountable Problems | 0 |
| 233 | CHAPTER 221: The More The Merrier | 0 |
| 234 | CHAPTER 222: A Case of Mistaken Identity | 0 |
| 235 | CHAPTER 223: Out of the Frying Pan | 0 |
| 236 | CHAPTER 224: Clockthulhu | 0 |
| 237 | CHAPTER 225: Magic and Hats | 0 |
| 238 | CHAPTER 226: A Long Walk Down a Short Hallway | 0 |
| 239 | CHAPTER 227: Special Delivery | 0 |
| 240 | CHAPTER 228: Deja-Fu | 0 |
| 241 | CHAPTER 229: They're... the Timeline is in Shambles... | 0 |
| 242 | CHAPTER 230: Am I the Only One That's Nervous When Things Go Well? | 0 |
| 243 | CHAPTER 231: A Casual Departure | 0 |
| 244 | CHAPTER 232: Over-Correcting | 0 |
| 245 | CHAPTER 233: An Air-Tight Alibi | 0 |
| 246 | CHAPTER 234: Be a Beacon? | 0 |
| 247 | CHAPTER 235: Cut Content | 0 |
| 248 | CHAPTER 236: Information Security Breach | 0 |
| 249 | CHAPTER 237: The Best Clubhouse in the Universe | 0 |
| 250 | CHAPTER 238: A Bunch of Conversations | 0 |
| 251 | CHAPTER 239: Last-Minute Edits | 0 |
| 252 | CHAPTER 240: Chekhov's Historical Footnote | 0 |
| 253 | CHAPTER 241: An Unscheduled but Predestined Stop | 0 |
| 254 | CHAPTER 242: It's Not a Slaughterhouse, It's a Slaughterhome | 0 |
| 255 | CHAPTER 243: Hurt | 0 |
| 256 | CHAPTER 244: Family Stuff | 0 |
| 257 | CHAPTER 245: Write Your Own Story | 0 |
| 258 | CHAPTER 246: Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Friends | 0 |
| 259 | CHAPTER 247: So Much For an Orderly Siege | 0 |
| 260 | CHAPTER 248: Shoutout to My Boy Pyrrhus of Epirus | 0 |
| 261 | CHAPTER 249: The New Way It's Always Been | 0 |
| 262 | CHAPTER 250: Paradox, Inc. | 0 |
| 263 | CHAPTER 251: Terrorism on an Impossible Scale | 0 |
| 264 | CHAPTER 252: Calliope Smith and the Lever of Ages | 0 |
| 265 | INTERLUDE: This Meeting Could Have Been a... Scroll, or Something | 0 |
| 266 | INTERLUDE: Tell Yourself it's the Journey, Not the Destination | 0 |
| 267 | CHAPTER 253: Just Like Making a Grocery List | 0 |
| 268 | CHAPTER 254: Last Day of Summer Break | 0 |
| 269 | CHAPTER 255: Accidents Happen All the Time Here | 0 |
| 270 | CHAPTER 256: In Communist Russia, Stone Squeezes Blood From You | 0 |
| 271 | CHAPTER 257: The Demon of Tarmestal | 0 |
| 272 | CHAPTER 258: What Do You Mean Mines Aren't Fun to Work In? | 0 |
| 273 | CHAPTER 259: One More Thing Before Relaxing | 0 |
| 274 | CHAPTER 260: Ancestral Domain | — |
| 275 | CHAPTER 261: Into Fairyland | — |
| 276 | CHAPTER 262: Delivered Into a Den of Wolves | — |
| 277 | CHAPTER 263: Just Another Boring Meeting | — |
| 278 | CHAPTER 264: Planning, or a Lack Therof | — |