I'm Literally Just a Mortal [ Cultivation Comedy | Xianxia | LitRPG | Weak-to-Misunderstood ]

I died on a Tuesday. I will not explain how. It is embarrassing. I woke up in the body of a ninety four year old man on a dirt road in a world with two moons. My knees hurt. My hands looked like paper. I smelled. Then some bandits tried to rob me. That is when I found out I have a cosmic credit card. It is called Heaven's Ledger. Rules are simple. Someone tries to kill me, I get double their power until the fight ends. Nobody is trying to kill me, I am just an old man who cannot open a jar. There is also a debt I apparently owe that nobody will explain, and a gold text spirit in my head named Xiao Zhang who calls me Daddy and uses way too many sparkles. The bandits were easy. The next guys were Spirit Severing cultivators. I was aiming for the leader's shoulder. The mountain behind him does not exist anymore. People saw. People kneeled. I did not ask them to kneel. Now I have a peak in a sect. A Demon Sect warlord calls me Master. A seven year old girl who can eat continents calls me Shifu. The Sword Peak lady keeps finding reasons to visit at sunset. An Immortal Emperor in the Central Divine Domain thinks I am a hidden god from before the Primordial Collapse. I am not a hidden god. I am a guy who died on a toilet and now lives on a mountain named Idle Cloud Peak, eating noodles and lying to everyone I meet. This is fine. What to expect: • Cultivation comedy. Weak to feared. MC stays mortal the whole first volume.• Found family. Three disciples. Each one terrifying. None of them know their master cannot do a push up.• Slow burn romance. She thinks he is ancient. He thinks she is out of his league.• A cosmic debt mystery under the jokes. It gets serious. It also stays funny.• Misunderstanding comedy. Everything MC does gets read as profound wisdom. He is eating noodles.• 2000 to 3000 word chapters.• Daily updates.• Volume 1 is 50 chapters. More after that.